Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Why Aren't (More) People Reading My Blog?

Now this is not going to be one of those iniquities of life where I make the few who do read this blog pay for it by coming up with answers to this painfully vexing question. Though feel free to post them if you want to. I'm just going to ramble for a while about what I think the possible reasons are.
Good, now that we've shaken off the less determined readers and fans, let's get all the gossip going.
Kidding!
Reason 1: People find it boring. Now this can only happen if someone's at least read my blog once. In which case, it would have been nice if they'd left a comment saying so and maybe if they really felt like it, why they were bored. Since they didn't, I'm at a loss to resolve this particular issue. Nevertheless I shall try. We shall sex this blog up (within Google limits) and put in intermittent episodes of mindless violence. Just to keep everyone interested.

Reason 2: I haven't spread links far and wide. Now this is quite likely the most relevant reason. I am a little shy of having my friends and acquaintances read the intimate details of my life (I'm okay with sharing them with complete strangers). But I shall do my best to overcome this shyness and put up links at every damn location I can find. http://fictionaluniverse.blogspot.com/
Starting here.

Reason 3: You're not telling your friends about this awesome blog you read. Now that's just mean. Why would you do that? Have I ever done anything to hurt you? Haven't I bared ALL to keep you entertained? (That's not a cheap trick to get new readers to go over all the posts looking for the bare-all one.) Are you beginning to feel guilty about this? Are you now going to tell all your friends about this? Good. Because if you're not, you're going to hell. I'll see you there.

Reason 4: This has become too personal for you to share. Now I appreciate all those secret admirers who hide behind weird nicknames and shudder to declare and share their true feelings with the rest of the world. I do. But if I can do it, anyone can. So buck up and spread the word. There's a good blog in town and it's only going to get better with your help. C'mon, do it. Be my hero.

Reason 5: I don't talk about current affairs. Of the world. Well, I have caught on to this trend and I'm there. I shall endeavour to work in current affairs in every post from now on. A new blog shall be written, like history was with Barack Obama's election to the President's post. All those who've hung in there over the rough times and steady, will see the difference. Change has come to this blog. And I for one, will embrace it with open arms and flowing ink.

That shall be all for now, my friends. If any other reasons should occur to me, I shall put them up. But until then, it's your turn to put up yours.

Updates

I was seeing this guy for a while. Before you balk at not being told about this sooner, consider how short our ...er... relationship must have been if it happened between my last post and this one. We've actually been friends for a while and were just trying this out, but I felt we were better off as friends so we're back to square one.
One evening, while we were still trying to find more in each other than there was, he came up to me with this sheepishly wretched or wretchedly sheepish expression on his face. I was sitting at the window and reading and when I looked up I gathered (with my Sherlockian deduction skills) that all was not well. "What?" I asked, getting to the point without any ado. "I've done something bad," he said in the most repentant voice I've ever heard out of his larynx. I tried to resist but the thought was too painfully funny- I burst out laughing. For a minute, he just stared at me, trying to detect if the laughter was hysterical (his deduction skills are sadly lacking). Then he ventured, a little irritatedly, "Why are you laughing?" And I managed to reply: "You always live up to my expectations!"
I think it took a few minutes for him to understand ( his deduction skills are not the only ones that are sadly lacking). And then he waxed between indignation and laughter. We were more together in that moment than we were before or after that. United by honesty and laughter.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Other People's Lives Are More Interesting Than Mine

Not. But they do have their moments. The other day, this close friend of mine (read 'saviour from boredom at office') was giving me the dope on her relationship. (I think it's called dope for a reason- it makes you feel dull and lifeless or makes you wish your were, but in her case it wasn't really so. I just felt like using the word.)

Her boyfriend had a huge fight with her over the weekend. She asked him why he hadn't woken her up in the morning and he started on this big spiel about how he wasn't her alarm clock, and she was using him like a chauffeur, doormat and punching bag already. He'd given her love, he'd been supportive through the whole bad patch at work, he'd hung out with her parents and not cringed when they called him 'beta', and treated her friends with respect and civility (even the annoying ones). What more did she want from him? And in classic I'm-a-friend-of-Serena's style she'd replied, without so much as moving a facial muscle, "Sexual satisfaction". For a second, he stood mute unsure of what she meant, then came the wave of fury which subsided in laughter when she couldn't contain hers (also in typical I'm-a-friend-of-Serena's style).

Like I said. Their lives aren't really more interesting than mine (I mean however uneventful my days may be at times, at least I'm not hanging out with my girlfriend's parents)(i am not a lesbian- that was just a phrase) (!). But they have their moments.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Even Better

There are some things that you are too afraid to ask for. Things that you desire a lot more than most others but have never dared to voice the desire for, in fear that it would most certainly be refused. The most pleasant surprises in life are when you get these things.

Getting over Even was one of those things. Needless to say, it was difficult to obtain. But it was worth fighting for. There's a great joy in being true to your own welfare. And he was never good for my head. Unlike carrot juice, whose qualities my mum never stops extolling. No, he was more like rice at lunch. Makes you lethargic and slows your reflexes. So that you're easier to hurt and find it harder to recover.

I'm not sure why it took so long (other than the obvious reason that I saw him almost every day) but I feel the lighter for having gotten over him (mentally lighter, physically I think I'm about the same). The surest sign of recovery is that I no longer want him to pine for want of me. I just want him to wither away (kidding) (God, I'm the one in recovery and you lose your sense of humour.)I think I should celebrate my Even-free or even freer existence!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Let me tell you about Rehan...

I had a funny dream last night.

I was at a party in one of my more cynical phases, when Rehan turned up.

For the uninitiated Rehan's one of those guys you don't talk about. Like a third nipple. Always there but not really something you want to discuss over tea.

He was looking good (okay, he was looking incredibly gorgeous; i am trying hard to forget that about him so bear with such understatements) and he came up to me with a smile dancing on his lips. "You were lovely in the movie,", he said (!)(for the record, i am not a movie star). I smiled wryly and said, "You were lovely on stage". He's not a movie star either. Or any kind of stage performer. It was just one of those dream roles, I guess. And we started talking about something or the other - I forget what. Someone called out to him, someone decidedly female and skimpily clad though I couldn't see who it was. It was just one of those skimpily clad voices. And he said he'd be right back. As he said that and walked away, I smiled to myself thinking those were the exact words with which we'd parted two months ago. I'd hung around a while then but had finally left disappointed. This time I knew better than to wait. Was just smiling at myself sardonically wondering why we lied to each other, when I felt his hand on my waist. I looked up and saw him standing close to me, very close. He was smiling curiously and he leaned in and whispered in my ears, "I came back the last time."

I wasn't laughing when I woke up.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

August Endings

All those who laughed loudly and said "Bah humbug!" when I surmised I'd post more often in the last post, take a point. Oh, go ahead, take two. Those who whooped and smiled hopefully, I am sorry to have let you down. Perhaps you can draw comfort from the fact that you're not alone.
I have been out of touch for good reason. My life is all askew. Professionally of course. Personally it was never really on a straight course anyway. There has been tons of work, and wading through it has taken more effort then I would have considered myself willing to make. There's also been tons of political roundabout, just to make the work more pleasant. I have been handling the whole situation admirably though. The policy of repress and push on has been applied successfully in this sector as well. (Really, i think that policy is The Secret to happiness.) So I am working hard unsure of whether I really want to, even unsure of whether I'm happy doing it. All feeling has been obliterated from my brain. Powering on.
Meanwhile, Gary and I are well on the way to Amityville. We've been talking to each other quite a bit. About the most carefully frivolous subjects possible but quite a bit. Which has meant that I feel better about my relationship skills. Clearly, I am the mistress of superficiality when it comes to human relations but at least, I am a mistress of something.
Even is still somewhat of a sore spot, but overall I think I've made good progress from the days of obsessing about every woman he talks to. Am now only spending a few hours a day debating whether he's a lost cause or not (as opposed to twenty-four). It is over in my head now, I just have little to move on to. But I'm sure something will come along. It always does.
And when it does, you know who won't be the first to know.
(No points for that one; that was just for fun.)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Finally...

I am in Even-withdrawal phase. I'd like to believe I started it. Laughable as the thought is. One little flick of his evil finger and I'd go waddling over. Yup. He has more evil in his little finger than all of Saddam (and i have seen the pictures- there was clearly a lot of Saddam to go around!). @#$%^%$! How I hate him (Even, and also Saddam). How I wish I did...(ONLY Even.)

Such difficult desires aside, my life has taken a drastic turn for the better. My new policy of repress and push on is yielding rich dividends whenever I put it to use. Sometimes I forget, and am melancholy, but then I push on. I'm a happy little manic depressive :)

Okay, I'm done freaking you out. Really. I've been pondering a lot on destiny and omens and stuff and I think I've zeroed in on mine. I think my destiny involves a shopping mall and a black American Express card. Oh, The Joys of Shopping. I'm a living monument to retail therapy and its many benefits. Of course, it's just one of the things I am a monument to. Others include: Unrequited love, unrequited hair, and demonic possession. There is no limit to the number of demons that possess me. I am walking, talking B-grade Hollywood movie. That does not sound very nice. I take it back.

So now that Even is out of my life (as if he was ever in it; the git)I can focus on personal and professional growth, and this blog, of course. Get ready for a lot more excitement and posts.. I'm back, baby!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Optimism in a Power Cut

Transit Mode

I just realised it's been ages since I posted anything... Yes, I've been that busy- this is the most breathing space I've gotten in six weeks or more. But I've also been overwrought with a lot of confusing thoughts, feelings, etc. Anyone who's changed sites after reading the past sentence deserves to be labelled emotionally-challenged. I mention one serious feeling and get written-off? Unfair!

The good news is that I think I'm coming to grips with it all. Still a little shaky and unsure- like an earthquake victim, or someone who's made the scary trip down the lane to my house. I still have nightmares about it. Have never been more grateful for Nature cushioning my brain well. Who likes their brain the way Bond likes his martinis?

It wasn't all about a guy this time. More about my job. Went through an existential phase, professionally. Am now thinking of taking some time off to clear out my head and evaluate things in my private life. Get myself to stop thinking about possibles liaisons with Gary and/or Even. Start appreciating life with yours truly. *sigh* Haven't had the most promising start but I'm trying.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Sometimes

Sometimes you have no idea what you're doing but you feel compelled to go on doing it.. . Like the other day when I was sitting with Gary in a coffee shop.. There was definitely some madness stirred into the coffee because I found myself unfolding a lot of my life in front of him. Not like you tell a friend but like you tell a shrink. I don't know which is worse.
And he listened, fascinated, as it were by my psychosis. Or acting well enough to earn an Academy Award nomination (too good-looking to actually win the award). When I was through, which was after a good, two cups of coffee, I was spent (mentally). I wasn't spent the other way till much later that evening.
After all my rambling, he smiled sadly and asked, "Aren't you too young to be so old?"
And in my head a voice said, "Great! Hundreds of hot men in the world and I land up with one who uses his brain."

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Daydreaming

I was just daydreaming about Sex god (he's from BTB- before this blog)and this thought came to mind:
"It took evolution 200 million years to make you. Let me take at least half that time to appreciate it's work."
I know it sounds a little corny but one look at him and you'll know why it's justified. I'm sorry I don't have pictures to upload. Hell, I don't even have a name. Just an image. One glorious image of the possibilities of creation.

God bless.

Morbid Monday II

Morbid Monday

I woke up this morning in an incredibly irritable mood. And people have done nothing to help it. Even is as gay as ever. My boss I'm sure is waiting to pounce upon me at the unguarded moment when I decide to check my horoscope. And the week holds out the promise of nothing worth looking forward to. A very good morning to you too.

I'm going through one of those phases where I feel like running away from it all. I don't know if I've already posted it, but there's this inspirational strip of Pearls Before Swine which shows the way to kindred souls searching for a way out of this misty maze called 'the real world'. It's just not what it used to be. Worked for me for the first two years or so, but it has been steadily downhill ever since. What is a girl to do?

And before any men (I've come to the conclusion that chauvinistic is a redundant adjective when describing men; they are all chauvinistic, consciously or subconsciously) suggest that I am pms-ing, let me clarify, I'm far from it. Ten whole days far.

It is so typical for men to label women giving attitude for 7 days a month as abnormal. They give it all the time and they're normal, we give it some of the time and we're 'pms-ing'. Typical. I know I might come off sounding like a man-hating bitch (which is not true, as some previous posts will testify to- I'm quite the opposite), but I'm willing to risk that to vent some of this frustration. As is often the case, frustration with one(man) is leading to criticism of all(men).

I hate gay men.

I'm NOT homophobic or against gay rights in any way.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Old friends, New times

I ran into Gary today. Gary, the bad days, bad judgement guy? Jeez, do you suffer from short term memory loss or what? (Or did I not mention his name? I don't remember...) Anyway, we ran into each other at the department store (he stays close to where I live, he wasn't stalking the neighbourhood hoping to run into me... though I kinda wish he was :) ) We started talking and ended up having coffee together (coffee coffee, not coffee coffee). And what do you know, I didn't think about Even even once (yes, I like that sentence, and no, I don't think it sounds dumb). Does that mean good sex counts for more in my head than love (not that we had any- sex, not love)??

It was all so perfect that we ended up making weekend plans. He's supposed to call me. Maybe he won't and then this decision will be taken out of my hesitant hands (whether I should go ahead with this or not). Or maybe he will and we'll end up spending the weekend together, and who knows maybe even the rest of our lives. Either way, I have something to gain.

It's so ironic, a win-win situation without...

Winter

I think the universe (not The Universe, but the ordinary one- where everyone else lives) is telling me to move past Even. After sitting close to him for six months, I've been shifted to a new location. Strange people, funny feeling, emptiness. I think I didn't notice the difference when I moved earlier because he was there. And now, even though I have much more space, there's nothing to warm the shackles of my heart (the phrase caught my fancy- don't ask me why).

This loneliness isn't new, it's acuteness is.

Disgusting as it sounds, I miss him. I am ten desks away from him and I miss him. How is that possible?? Why am I reacting so stupidly to the separation? Why am I even calling it separation? This feels strangely like the L-word. I hope it's not. From previous (unfortunate) experience, I know that I'd best avoid it- we're just not meant for each other, i guess (not Even and I, love and I).

I am not sure what do to lessen that strange feeling in my chest. I just don't know how to make it go away.

Maybe it's not meant to go away.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Happy New Year!

It's a beautiful new year and I know it's going to turn things around!! (No, I am not on drugs, thank you very much. I'm on something much stronger- no, not love, you cheesy-novel-readers, it's MUSIC.) Speaking of which, God bless my uncle for passing on his iPod to me. And everyone else who contributed music to it. I couldn't have been here without you. *sniff*

I had forgotten all about last month's fiasco till I read about it here so I'm guessing I'm over it. Sadly, it seems like I'm not completely over Even. But I suppose that would've been difficult since I see him everyday. Besides, he's like a shell to retreat into- I feel this immense sense of peace when he's around. (Tragically, I don't think he affects everyone like this, or we'd have any easy way to world peace.) I am however determined to not let this affect my work adversely. Or anything else for that matter. (Works either way.)

Have to take things in my stride. Figure out where I'm going personally. Work on developing professional skills. And yes, there's something for you as well- I intend to blog more often. It's okay if you're not smiling openly, I know you're happy on the inside. And now, if you don't mind (the most perfunctory phrase ever, if you ask me), I think I'll start right away.