Old friends, New times

I ran into Gary today. Gary, the bad days, bad judgement guy? Jeez, do you suffer from short term memory loss or what? (Or did I not mention his name? I don't remember...) Anyway, we ran into each other at the department store (he stays close to where I live, he wasn't stalking the neighbourhood hoping to run into me... though I kinda wish he was :) ) We started talking and ended up having coffee together (coffee coffee, not coffee coffee). And what do you know, I didn't think about Even even once (yes, I like that sentence, and no, I don't think it sounds dumb). Does that mean good sex counts for more in my head than love (not that we had any- sex, not love)??

It was all so perfect that we ended up making weekend plans. He's supposed to call me. Maybe he won't and then this decision will be taken out of my hesitant hands (whether I should go ahead with this or not). Or maybe he will and we'll end up spending the weekend together, and who knows maybe even the rest of our lives. Either way, I have something to gain.

It's so ironic, a win-win situation without...

Winter

I think the universe (not The Universe, but the ordinary one- where everyone else lives) is telling me to move past Even. After sitting close to him for six months, I've been shifted to a new location. Strange people, funny feeling, emptiness. I think I didn't notice the difference when I moved earlier because he was there. And now, even though I have much more space, there's nothing to warm the shackles of my heart (the phrase caught my fancy- don't ask me why).

This loneliness isn't new, it's acuteness is.

Disgusting as it sounds, I miss him. I am ten desks away from him and I miss him. How is that possible?? Why am I reacting so stupidly to the separation? Why am I even calling it separation? This feels strangely like the L-word. I hope it's not. From previous (unfortunate) experience, I know that I'd best avoid it- we're just not meant for each other, i guess (not Even and I, love and I).

I am not sure what do to lessen that strange feeling in my chest. I just don't know how to make it go away.

Maybe it's not meant to go away.

Happy New Year!

It's a beautiful new year and I know it's going to turn things around!! (No, I am not on drugs, thank you very much. I'm on something much stronger- no, not love, you cheesy-novel-readers, it's MUSIC.) Speaking of which, God bless my uncle for passing on his iPod to me. And everyone else who contributed music to it. I couldn't have been here without you. *sniff*

I had forgotten all about last month's fiasco till I read about it here so I'm guessing I'm over it. Sadly, it seems like I'm not completely over Even. But I suppose that would've been difficult since I see him everyday. Besides, he's like a shell to retreat into- I feel this immense sense of peace when he's around. (Tragically, I don't think he affects everyone like this, or we'd have any easy way to world peace.) I am however determined to not let this affect my work adversely. Or anything else for that matter. (Works either way.)

Have to take things in my stride. Figure out where I'm going personally. Work on developing professional skills. And yes, there's something for you as well- I intend to blog more often. It's okay if you're not smiling openly, I know you're happy on the inside. And now, if you don't mind (the most perfunctory phrase ever, if you ask me), I think I'll start right away.