Operation Recovery

Am still weighed down by Wickham's (Even has been re-christened; ironically, 'getting Even' has taken on new meanings) betrayal. Was completely unprepared for this. it's a big bad world in here and it's caught me napping. Never fear, I will recover. In fact, Operation Recovery has just been launched. Phase 1 involves a bit of wallowing but I think I've earned it. It also involves a systematic programme of discipline and indulgence, which I'm alternating between.
I don't foresee any joyous moments in the near future. Of course, that will affect speed of recovery but I shall do my very best.

Bad Days & Judgement

It was a horrible day. Driven to despair by thoughts Even and his perfidy,not to mention being extremely tired, I did something really stupid. With someone who I was hoping to keep at arm's length (for good reasons which I shan't go into here). The upshot of this is that I'm no longer preoccupied with the things that were bothering me earlier. Now I have new worries. Like who may find out about what happened and what this means for my relationship with him. Ideally, I'd like the equation to continue unaltered. Realistically, I'll settle for we never mention what happened. I hope we can pull it off.

Wish me luck. Wish it.

Pride & Prejudice LVIIII

I fear Even is Wickham in Darcy-esque feathers. Besides the girlfriend-betrayal (let us not get drawn into technicalities- i know he hadn't implied any affection towards me), i sense he might be back-stabbing me at work. It's a horrifying thought- he's not someone I would expect it of. I think I've made a GIANT mistake by letting my personal trust bleed into professional trust. Gargantuan. (Interesting word, lousy movie.)

Anyway, better to realise late than never. Of course, best would be if he hadn't done anything at all, but I guess that would be considered demanding. I suppose I must move on with my life. No matter how attractive the Wickhams of this world may seem, they are not really relationship material. I still can't believe it- how could I have been so blind. We have similar tastes, similar likes and similar attitudes. Obviously, something had to be wrong. And that's the perfect formula for Wickham.

I think the sad Truth of this Universe (or any other for that matter, but can't commit about other universes) is that Darcys are always rich, aloof men of strong character, high intellect and upright values. How's this a sad truth? Because there are very few men like that around. It's why we always fall for the Wickhams. They seem alright and are around in greater numbers. Whoever said there's strength in numbers, had clearly hit upon Universal Truth.

On that sombre(and somewhat pompous, I admit) note, I shall end this post.

Even's Story

He's not gay. He's not an alien. He's not... single. That's right. He has a girlfriend. And the worst kind at that- a long-distance one. I couldn't believe it when I first heard, or rather, overheard. He was on the phone with her, on the steps. It had to be his girlfriend. He was telling her to take leave in March when he's taking it so they could go together. Anyway, they'd hardly meet till then. Who else would he say all that to? Not to his mother. He doesn't have a sister, and that's not the tone you use with friends.

I really should have seen this coming. If I like a guy, he must have a girlfriend stashed away somewhere. If not, he'll get one. I might as well market this as a service and make some money of it. I just can't believe he's managed to hide it for so long. And why? I understand being private about your private life, I mean, who'd understand better? But to not even mention she exists?

From the sound of it, she stays in US and they're quite serious. How can you be seriously involved with someone who stays that far away? How can you pretend that that someone is noone to you? Am I making any sense? (It was a rhetorical question.) I don't know how I'd feel about my boyfriend pretending I don't exist. Especially if we're serious about each other. Or maybe he's not that serious about her and is just trapped in a bad relationship. But then why would he want to meet her? To break up? If he can wait that long for that, then he can't possibly be interested in anyone else right now (read "me").

I'm highly disgusted with myself. And his girlfriend. If you've hooked a guy, you stay with him. You don't dangle him like bait in front of other women, just to make them feel bad. It's just mean. Of course, this makes him even more desirable or less so. More if he's managed to ...er.. . stay faithful across the seas, less if he hasn't. Since i don't know which is true, I will assume the latter. It makes him look worse, which makes me feel better. How the mighty have fallen.

My life is forever riddled with drama. Not that I'm complaining... This can't be the end though. As they say, everything's alright in the end, and if it's not alright...

Even As We Wait...

Cooler December days are here and to make sure that we don't miss the winter because we're cooped up in office, the admin people have decided to turn the airconditioner way up. The unhappy result of this is that my cold is showing no signs of retreating, which might have something to do with a recent spell of gorging on icecream. Have to keep reminding myself it's not food.

Things with Even are at status quo, or at an even keel (I tried to resist saying that). I guess it doesn't matter where they are anyway. I don't think I'd be able to settle for anything less than I want in life, and love. And if I were to be with him, I would always be waiting fo the real thing to come along, and that's not fair to him. I know things will work out soon enough. Sadly, soon enough is never soon enough.

Have just heard the most farcical excuse for not releasing some work I've done- it's too good in the circumstances. Of all unacceptable things I've heard recently, this one tops the list. Other items include- you're nice, in a very wierd way; it's looking okay; and i think you've put on enough weight. Needless to say, it's been a good past few days. On a less sarcastic note, it has been a good past few days. Have been a happy hippo (oh, what the hell, who cares?).

The winter is making it harder than ever to not have someone to cosy up to when there's a chill in the air and a shiver runs up my spine. It's also becoming more difficult to remember the distance I must keep in some relationships (if they can be called so yet). I long for warmth in my life, the kind that comes with people who care about you too much to not overlook your faults. It would be so nice to have some friends around. Someone who would listen, understand and not judge. Am I being too demanding? Is being demanding so bad? How can it wreck your personal life?
To find out more, tune in to the next post by Dr. Phil, our life management expert.
:)