November Days

I think my life has changed today. Read something which really shook me up, and answered a few questions I'd been unable to articulate even though they'd been bothering me for a while. I need to live for myself, as myself- have to stop trying to measure up to other people's standards (and waistlines). Must be careful though, I tend to go overboard with these assertions of freedom.

A lot else has changed over the past few days, not the least of which is Even's attitude towards me. It now seems more like he's interested than ever before. Or maybe it's just that because I am not any more, I'm free to notice his reactions instead of reacting to them. What brought about the change, you ask? I think it's just that there's more emotion in my feelings for him than passion. A realisation which has come at a felicitous point in time when I'm trying to sort out my life.

Feel quite different now- though that might be because I have a cold. I think I've mentioned my tendency towards angelic behaviour when I'm ill. No, it's not intended to ease my ascent to heaven, at least not consciously. Hopefully, I've got the clearance anyway. It's rude to snigger.

Too many thoughts are swirling around my head in a vortex of decisions that need to be made and doubts about making them. Maybe some quiet introspection will help clear it up. Or maybe some shopping, though I think the former will prove more economical, another virtue I need to adhere to (stick like a leech is a phrase that comes to mind).

Will me well.

Frustration, thy name is...

I have finally discovered the secret to my unhappiness with most of my current company. They don't share my sense of humour. And often it seems like they haven't much of a sense of humour at all. And while everyone has a right to live, some people have more than others. I end up spending most of my time with people who laugh like crazy at dumb animations and barely crack a smile at mine or other people's witticisms. That's absolutely unacceptable. Must find a solution.

Even is still being his reticent self. While I can now understand his reasons for not wanting to get involved, I don't think I will ever appreciate them. How can he be bothered with propriety when here I am all alone and damn bugged about it? I've tried everything- dressing differently, behaving differently, just being myself... nothing has yielded results so far. *sigh* I've even tried not caring about it. All in vain.

I am too depressed to be funny right now... :(

Unofficial Views on Office Trips

Even is away on a 'office trip' which is basically a nice way of saying out to get drunk on office money. I don't know if I approve of such trips (which take him away from me?). I just remembered the terrible mood I was in the last time he went away. I am in such a soup where this is concerned.

Unbridled Lust

I just tried on some of the sexiest clothes that have ever covered my body and boots that i would die for, and realised that my love for material wealth is not a sublimation of some other desire. I love beautiful things and people. I want that lifestyle where I walk into a nightclub in body-hugging leggings and knee-high boots and a top revealing more of me than it covers. Okay, maybe not the top, but the rest of it. I want to look and feel sexy and if money is what it takes to feel that way, then I want money. Let's face it, I am a material girl. I always have been. It's nice to have lots of things.

I look at myself differently when I am expensively attired (and barring a few exceptions-sexy attire is expensive attire), so why shouldn't the world? And why should I not have that life where I am looked upon that way? Just because I don't make enough. Maybe it's time I found a way to make more money. I hear that chant resonating in my ears: there must be more money. There must be more money.

Films, Press and a Whole Lot of Heartache

Work-wise things have never been better. Campaigns are getting approved, a film idea has developed into an ad and there's general harmony all around. But harmony is the most deceptive state in nature for it belies the struggles and turmoil that lie beneath the surface. Things are churning, and several relationships are undergoing a sea change, and not into- I fear- something rich and strange. Control or even direction will be difficult, scratch that, challenging (I'm trying to be positive here) to find but I have to do my best. As Shakespeare once wrote:

"There's a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads onto fortune.
On such a full sea are we now afloat.
And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures..."

As usual, I find myself at sea and with no rudder and no map, but one sketchily rendered in memory. I'm going to have to make the most of the tools at my disposal. In all spheres of life.
I've spent one and a half days trying to convince myself that Even actually likes me but is reluctant to get involved for some murky reasons (like he's afraid of relationships). It's not been a resounding success but my self-belief is not entirely shattered. Maybe he just needs time. Or a strong whack on the head. As JKJ once pointed out, these home remedies often work where other more sophisticated solutions fail. I shall hold out awhile though before I give that a shot. He might not appreciate it too much even if he does feel the same way.

The Forbidden Fruit and others

Well, all the hard work and long hours I've been putting in at office seem to be paying off. At a swanky meeting yesterday, got approval for something I've been working on for quite sometime. It felt awesome- unreal but nice :) The fruits of success are sweet and taste even better when eaten ripe. (I have no idea what that means- just felt like saying it. Maybe it means that success is better when it comes at the right time- which it did, in this case.)

Some fruits, however, still remain forbidden. And seem even sweeter. Perhaps, it's for the best but when has anyone ever been content trying to believe that. I still pine for the co-worker (who shall for convenience's sake and mine, be referred to as Even henceforth). Though I think I'm gradually reaching a place in my head where I can be patient about it. Let things take their own time, go with the flow. At least, until lunch.

Maybe, it's because i'm feeling terribly ill (cold, sore throat, fever). Am always fatalistically angelic when I'm ill, perhaps, in hope that immediate behaviour will ensure that past sins are overlooked in deciding my place in the Afterlife. Thus, the willingness to be patient and forgiving. And while away time while I have it...