Operation Recovery

Am still weighed down by Wickham's (Even has been re-christened; ironically, 'getting Even' has taken on new meanings) betrayal. Was completely unprepared for this. it's a big bad world in here and it's caught me napping. Never fear, I will recover. In fact, Operation Recovery has just been launched. Phase 1 involves a bit of wallowing but I think I've earned it. It also involves a systematic programme of discipline and indulgence, which I'm alternating between.
I don't foresee any joyous moments in the near future. Of course, that will affect speed of recovery but I shall do my very best.

Bad Days & Judgement

It was a horrible day. Driven to despair by thoughts Even and his perfidy,not to mention being extremely tired, I did something really stupid. With someone who I was hoping to keep at arm's length (for good reasons which I shan't go into here). The upshot of this is that I'm no longer preoccupied with the things that were bothering me earlier. Now I have new worries. Like who may find out about what happened and what this means for my relationship with him. Ideally, I'd like the equation to continue unaltered. Realistically, I'll settle for we never mention what happened. I hope we can pull it off.

Wish me luck. Wish it.

Pride & Prejudice LVIIII

I fear Even is Wickham in Darcy-esque feathers. Besides the girlfriend-betrayal (let us not get drawn into technicalities- i know he hadn't implied any affection towards me), i sense he might be back-stabbing me at work. It's a horrifying thought- he's not someone I would expect it of. I think I've made a GIANT mistake by letting my personal trust bleed into professional trust. Gargantuan. (Interesting word, lousy movie.)

Anyway, better to realise late than never. Of course, best would be if he hadn't done anything at all, but I guess that would be considered demanding. I suppose I must move on with my life. No matter how attractive the Wickhams of this world may seem, they are not really relationship material. I still can't believe it- how could I have been so blind. We have similar tastes, similar likes and similar attitudes. Obviously, something had to be wrong. And that's the perfect formula for Wickham.

I think the sad Truth of this Universe (or any other for that matter, but can't commit about other universes) is that Darcys are always rich, aloof men of strong character, high intellect and upright values. How's this a sad truth? Because there are very few men like that around. It's why we always fall for the Wickhams. They seem alright and are around in greater numbers. Whoever said there's strength in numbers, had clearly hit upon Universal Truth.

On that sombre(and somewhat pompous, I admit) note, I shall end this post.

Even's Story

He's not gay. He's not an alien. He's not... single. That's right. He has a girlfriend. And the worst kind at that- a long-distance one. I couldn't believe it when I first heard, or rather, overheard. He was on the phone with her, on the steps. It had to be his girlfriend. He was telling her to take leave in March when he's taking it so they could go together. Anyway, they'd hardly meet till then. Who else would he say all that to? Not to his mother. He doesn't have a sister, and that's not the tone you use with friends.

I really should have seen this coming. If I like a guy, he must have a girlfriend stashed away somewhere. If not, he'll get one. I might as well market this as a service and make some money of it. I just can't believe he's managed to hide it for so long. And why? I understand being private about your private life, I mean, who'd understand better? But to not even mention she exists?

From the sound of it, she stays in US and they're quite serious. How can you be seriously involved with someone who stays that far away? How can you pretend that that someone is noone to you? Am I making any sense? (It was a rhetorical question.) I don't know how I'd feel about my boyfriend pretending I don't exist. Especially if we're serious about each other. Or maybe he's not that serious about her and is just trapped in a bad relationship. But then why would he want to meet her? To break up? If he can wait that long for that, then he can't possibly be interested in anyone else right now (read "me").

I'm highly disgusted with myself. And his girlfriend. If you've hooked a guy, you stay with him. You don't dangle him like bait in front of other women, just to make them feel bad. It's just mean. Of course, this makes him even more desirable or less so. More if he's managed to ...er.. . stay faithful across the seas, less if he hasn't. Since i don't know which is true, I will assume the latter. It makes him look worse, which makes me feel better. How the mighty have fallen.

My life is forever riddled with drama. Not that I'm complaining... This can't be the end though. As they say, everything's alright in the end, and if it's not alright...

Even As We Wait...

Cooler December days are here and to make sure that we don't miss the winter because we're cooped up in office, the admin people have decided to turn the airconditioner way up. The unhappy result of this is that my cold is showing no signs of retreating, which might have something to do with a recent spell of gorging on icecream. Have to keep reminding myself it's not food.

Things with Even are at status quo, or at an even keel (I tried to resist saying that). I guess it doesn't matter where they are anyway. I don't think I'd be able to settle for anything less than I want in life, and love. And if I were to be with him, I would always be waiting fo the real thing to come along, and that's not fair to him. I know things will work out soon enough. Sadly, soon enough is never soon enough.

Have just heard the most farcical excuse for not releasing some work I've done- it's too good in the circumstances. Of all unacceptable things I've heard recently, this one tops the list. Other items include- you're nice, in a very wierd way; it's looking okay; and i think you've put on enough weight. Needless to say, it's been a good past few days. On a less sarcastic note, it has been a good past few days. Have been a happy hippo (oh, what the hell, who cares?).

The winter is making it harder than ever to not have someone to cosy up to when there's a chill in the air and a shiver runs up my spine. It's also becoming more difficult to remember the distance I must keep in some relationships (if they can be called so yet). I long for warmth in my life, the kind that comes with people who care about you too much to not overlook your faults. It would be so nice to have some friends around. Someone who would listen, understand and not judge. Am I being too demanding? Is being demanding so bad? How can it wreck your personal life?
To find out more, tune in to the next post by Dr. Phil, our life management expert.
:)

November Days

I think my life has changed today. Read something which really shook me up, and answered a few questions I'd been unable to articulate even though they'd been bothering me for a while. I need to live for myself, as myself- have to stop trying to measure up to other people's standards (and waistlines). Must be careful though, I tend to go overboard with these assertions of freedom.

A lot else has changed over the past few days, not the least of which is Even's attitude towards me. It now seems more like he's interested than ever before. Or maybe it's just that because I am not any more, I'm free to notice his reactions instead of reacting to them. What brought about the change, you ask? I think it's just that there's more emotion in my feelings for him than passion. A realisation which has come at a felicitous point in time when I'm trying to sort out my life.

Feel quite different now- though that might be because I have a cold. I think I've mentioned my tendency towards angelic behaviour when I'm ill. No, it's not intended to ease my ascent to heaven, at least not consciously. Hopefully, I've got the clearance anyway. It's rude to snigger.

Too many thoughts are swirling around my head in a vortex of decisions that need to be made and doubts about making them. Maybe some quiet introspection will help clear it up. Or maybe some shopping, though I think the former will prove more economical, another virtue I need to adhere to (stick like a leech is a phrase that comes to mind).

Will me well.

Frustration, thy name is...

I have finally discovered the secret to my unhappiness with most of my current company. They don't share my sense of humour. And often it seems like they haven't much of a sense of humour at all. And while everyone has a right to live, some people have more than others. I end up spending most of my time with people who laugh like crazy at dumb animations and barely crack a smile at mine or other people's witticisms. That's absolutely unacceptable. Must find a solution.

Even is still being his reticent self. While I can now understand his reasons for not wanting to get involved, I don't think I will ever appreciate them. How can he be bothered with propriety when here I am all alone and damn bugged about it? I've tried everything- dressing differently, behaving differently, just being myself... nothing has yielded results so far. *sigh* I've even tried not caring about it. All in vain.

I am too depressed to be funny right now... :(

Unofficial Views on Office Trips

Even is away on a 'office trip' which is basically a nice way of saying out to get drunk on office money. I don't know if I approve of such trips (which take him away from me?). I just remembered the terrible mood I was in the last time he went away. I am in such a soup where this is concerned.

Unbridled Lust

I just tried on some of the sexiest clothes that have ever covered my body and boots that i would die for, and realised that my love for material wealth is not a sublimation of some other desire. I love beautiful things and people. I want that lifestyle where I walk into a nightclub in body-hugging leggings and knee-high boots and a top revealing more of me than it covers. Okay, maybe not the top, but the rest of it. I want to look and feel sexy and if money is what it takes to feel that way, then I want money. Let's face it, I am a material girl. I always have been. It's nice to have lots of things.

I look at myself differently when I am expensively attired (and barring a few exceptions-sexy attire is expensive attire), so why shouldn't the world? And why should I not have that life where I am looked upon that way? Just because I don't make enough. Maybe it's time I found a way to make more money. I hear that chant resonating in my ears: there must be more money. There must be more money.

Films, Press and a Whole Lot of Heartache

Work-wise things have never been better. Campaigns are getting approved, a film idea has developed into an ad and there's general harmony all around. But harmony is the most deceptive state in nature for it belies the struggles and turmoil that lie beneath the surface. Things are churning, and several relationships are undergoing a sea change, and not into- I fear- something rich and strange. Control or even direction will be difficult, scratch that, challenging (I'm trying to be positive here) to find but I have to do my best. As Shakespeare once wrote:

"There's a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads onto fortune.
On such a full sea are we now afloat.
And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures..."

As usual, I find myself at sea and with no rudder and no map, but one sketchily rendered in memory. I'm going to have to make the most of the tools at my disposal. In all spheres of life.
I've spent one and a half days trying to convince myself that Even actually likes me but is reluctant to get involved for some murky reasons (like he's afraid of relationships). It's not been a resounding success but my self-belief is not entirely shattered. Maybe he just needs time. Or a strong whack on the head. As JKJ once pointed out, these home remedies often work where other more sophisticated solutions fail. I shall hold out awhile though before I give that a shot. He might not appreciate it too much even if he does feel the same way.

The Forbidden Fruit and others

Well, all the hard work and long hours I've been putting in at office seem to be paying off. At a swanky meeting yesterday, got approval for something I've been working on for quite sometime. It felt awesome- unreal but nice :) The fruits of success are sweet and taste even better when eaten ripe. (I have no idea what that means- just felt like saying it. Maybe it means that success is better when it comes at the right time- which it did, in this case.)

Some fruits, however, still remain forbidden. And seem even sweeter. Perhaps, it's for the best but when has anyone ever been content trying to believe that. I still pine for the co-worker (who shall for convenience's sake and mine, be referred to as Even henceforth). Though I think I'm gradually reaching a place in my head where I can be patient about it. Let things take their own time, go with the flow. At least, until lunch.

Maybe, it's because i'm feeling terribly ill (cold, sore throat, fever). Am always fatalistically angelic when I'm ill, perhaps, in hope that immediate behaviour will ensure that past sins are overlooked in deciding my place in the Afterlife. Thus, the willingness to be patient and forgiving. And while away time while I have it...

What will become of us?

Getting Royally Screwed

Those of you reading this post, who are inclined towards pun-ish humour, please, restrain your imagination- I am not fooling around with Prince Harry or William, or indeed, anyone from the British monarchy. (If the slower readers could kindly refer to the title...)

My weekend was quite exhausting- had to visit relatives and work throughout- and weekends are not meant for that. The only break I got was visiting a friend who said he had a surprise for me- he'd had a bike accident. Still, it was a cheery evening that went on late into the night with the unfortunate result that I didn't get that much sleep, so my deprivation on that front continues as well.

You may ask what other deprivations I refer to. What i suffer in that way not tongue can tell. Which makes this blog convenient. If you have no clue, either you have short-term memory loss or I have omitted to mention the barren desert that is my love-life. No flower has bloomed, to waste its fragrance on the desert air or otherwise. It amazes me how I'm never loveless in that I don't love; it's always that the love is unrequited. Yet, I trudge on.

My co-worker has still given no indication that he's interested in me as more than a co-worker. In fact, I doubt if he's even entirely interested as a co-worker. All this tends to weigh on the heart a bit but I manage to keep the stiff, upper lip. He seems to be entirely oblivious to my not-inconsiderable charms and I'm forced to conclude that either he's gay or just plain not interested. And honestly, I'm not thrilled about either alternative. And I don't think there's much I can do about this, as in I've already tried quite a bit. Maybe that's the problem- I'm trying too hard. I think I should take it easy- he needs to see the real me, not the me I want him to see. And once that's accomplished I'm sure he'll be eating out of my hand (not in the fashion of a horse or other such lower vertebrate but figuratively).
Because let's face it- I'm irresistible.

Love is all around...

I think it's time I stopped philosophising and started living so from now on, I am going to make a dedicated effort (trying to keep a straight face...) to just vent. I've been going through incredible mood swings (no, it's not that, male chauvinist pigs) for the past week. It's led to my being either extremely sensitive and unhappy or extremely positive and happy. Right now, I'm just incredibly sleepy.
I'm also trying to figure out if I am indeed in love with *ahem* my co-worker.
Here are the symptoms that make me suspect that Cupid has struck again:

• A tendency to stare at him
• Smiling more when he's around, though not without reason (I'm not an absolute idiot.)
• Wanting to hug and kiss and do other stuff at him at times...
• ...quite often
• Treating every direct comment to me as a declaration of his undying though latent love
• Feeling like he's pining away for me every time he looks at me
• Wanting to do unholy things (not the sexual kind, you pervert!) to women he flirts with
• Actually believing that us getting together will not make things awkward at work.

I'm hoping that this time it's terminal. I'm getting a little embarrassed by Cupid's fickle behaviour. Have had to resort to baring my heart on the world wide web, as my friends no longer take me seriously.

Tragedy, thy name is ....